You think you’re being efficient. They think you’re being cold. You step in to help. They see it as a takeover.
You’re not being difficult. You’re trying to be helpful—move things forward, fix the bottleneck, clear the fog. But the more you lean in, the more resistance you hit. It doesn’t make sense—until it does.
We’ve all been there. Playing the helpful hero in our heads and wondering why everyone else didn’t get the memo.
This isn’t about blame. It’s about perspective. Bandwidth. Assumptions. That subtle disconnect between what you think you’re doing—and what they see.
Because sometimes the gap isn’t in your actions—it’s in how they land. And the pushback you’re feeling? It might not be about them at all. It might be about the signal you’re sending without realising it.
So let’s stay curious—not critical. What might actually be going on underneath that response? And what could you shift next time to make the outcome match the intention?
When Intent Meets Interpretation
We live and work in fast-moving spaces. Few of us have the luxury of over-explaining our motives. But when your pace, tone, or choices leave someone reacting with withdrawal or silence, it might not be the system—or their attitude—that’s to blame.
Often, it’s a signal mismatch.
You’re sending on one frequency. They’re tuned into another.
Let’s look at some common misfires:
Behaviours That Backfire More Than You Think
- The ‘Quick Nudge’ That Feels Like a Shove
- What you say: “Any update on this? Just checking in.”
- What they hear: “You’re behind, and I don’t trust you to get it done.”
- What to try: Something like, “Totally understand things are moving—just flag it if you hit a snag or need a hand. Happy to support however makes sense.”
- The Silent Approval That Sounds Like Disinterest
- What you do: Say nothing because things look fine.
- What they feel: “They’re not noticing what I’m doing—or worse, they don’t care.”
- What to try: A casual moment of recognition: “I saw that update—super tidy work. Thanks for staying on it.”
- The Facts-Only Mode That Misses the Moment
- What you say: “Let’s stay objective here.”
- What they feel: “This thing I’m stressed about is being dismissed.”
- What to try: “Sounds like that’s been a grind—want to decompress a bit before we untangle it?”
- The Hyper-Efficient Meeting That Forgets the People
- What you say: “Okay, jumping right in—here’s the agenda.”
- What they feel: “You’ve already decided what matters, and I’m just here to tick boxes.”
- What to try: Start with, “Before we dive in—anything on your radar we should loop in?”
- The Joke That Was Actually a Jab
- What you say: “Well, at least someone is still using tabs instead of spaces.”
- What they hear: “You’re not really part of the team vibe.”
- What to try: If it’s a joke, make sure it punches up—not sideways. And if you’re masking feedback, just say it: “Heads up—might be worth aligning on style to avoid git noise.”
- Urgency That Feels Like Frustration
- You: “Let’s get this sorted fast.”
- Them: “I’m being blamed.”
- Try instead: “This one’s time-sensitive—can we team up and tackle it together?”
- Silence That Feels Like Withholding
- You: “No feedback means no problems.”
- Them: “They’ve lost confidence in me.”
- Try instead: “Quick note—saw your update, and it was exactly what was needed. Thanks.”
- Logic That Flattens Emotion
- You: “Let’s stick to the facts.”
- Them: “You don’t care about how this feels.”
- Try instead: “That sounds tough. Want to talk it through before we get into fixes?”
- Efficiency That Closes Doors
- You: “Straight to the point.”
- Them: “No time for me.”
- Try instead: “Got a sec? First, how’s your day going?”
- Humour That Masks Friction
- You: “Just having a laugh.”
- Them: “They’re mocking me.”
- Try instead: If it’s feedback, say it clean. If it’s frustration, own it—kindly.
The Invisible Line: Territory, Trust & Trigger Points
Here’s where it gets trickier.
Let’s say you’re working on something critical, and progress is slow. You know you can help move things forward, so you step in—maybe you follow up directly with a client, draft a version of the work, or chase up a dependency that technically lives in someone else’s area.
To you, it’s action. Progress. Making sure the project doesn’t stall.
But to them? It can feel like a vote of no confidence. Like you’ve not only walked into their space—but brought a clipboard.
You think: “I’m just trying to keep things moving.”
They feel: “You’re stepping on my turf.”
Their response? Hold the reins tighter. Share less. Mark their boundaries in neon. Collaboration dips, communication slows, and you’re left wondering why they suddenly shut down.
You see structure. They see threat.
What starts as momentum quickly turns into a standoff—if the intent isn’t made explicit. Ironically, the more we try to speed things up, the more we risk slowing them down. When people feel overridden or cornered, they dig in. Progress stalls not because the idea was wrong, but because the approach triggered protection, not partnership.
Next time you catch yourself in this spot, try pausing to say:
“I know this touches your area—I’m not trying to take over. I just want to help us get through it. Happy to figure it out together.”
Collaboration isn’t just about shared goals. It’s about shared safety.
You Can’t Control Their Reaction—But You Can Curate the Space It Happens In
You’re not responsible for how everyone feels. But you are responsible for what you broadcast.
A few light-touch reflection prompts:
- What am I really trying to achieve here? Be honest with yourself and consider that if there is a subtext, that ay be coming in across in your approach, tone, or other subtle way.
- Could this land differently than I intend?
- Have I made my motivation clear—or just my motion?
Sometimes the hardest truth to swallow is this:
If the reaction feels out of proportion, it might be a delayed response to a pattern. As Simon Sinek says, if the response it greater than a 5, then the root is something else.
If you want better responses, start by sending clearer signals.
And if you want clearer signals, you have to pause long enough to check the frequency.
If this sparked something, hold onto it. If it didn’t—let it go without guilt. But if you’re getting resistance where you expected collaboration, this might be the gentle clue you’ve been missing.
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